I feel sick. Suddenly, it all comes back to me. The way he whispered in my ear. "Thanks, im not coming to you".
But whatever I was looking for I didnt find it. It has been 5 years, 11 months and 10 days now and nothing has changed. I'm still the no hope kid of messed up loser. The music goes silent at the end leaving my thoughts way too loud. His pleasing smile appears, I blush remembering his smirk when he caught me checking him out. And the heat of his gaze as he slowly raked his eyes towards my eyes. I dont think anyone ever looked at me like that. It made me feel alive. What do you think? I should feel lucky I know, but no matter how beautiful the scenery is, nothing can change the twisted truth. It's all lie. When I start to think about the things I can't control, my chest gets tight like an old manual wagen. But now as he is so sure in leaving me for real. I feel numb because I knew I failed to be the girl who makes him feel like a better person and failed to give him irreplaceable happiness. It fills me with a guilt and shame that only gets stronger, the closer I get to leaving him. I brace myself against the splash of pain that life throws at me everytime i wish to have someone who accepts me for who i am.
I'm at the edge of everything
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